When you care for children who’ve lived through hard things, their behavior can feel confusing, and often overwhelming. They might get angry quickly, shut down when you offer help, or seem to overreact to small changes. It’s easy to wonder: Why are they acting like this? What am I doing wrong?

That’s where understanding ACEs can help.

What Are ACEs?

ACEs stands for Adverse Childhood Experiences. These are potentially traumatic events that happen in a child’s life before the age of 18. Examples include:

• Physical, emotional, or sexual abuse
• Neglect
• Growing up with a caregiver who has mental illness or substance use issues
• Witnessing domestic violence
• Living in a household where parents separate or divorce
  

Researchers have found that the more ACEs a child experiences, the more likely they are to struggle with things like emotional regulation, learning, relationships, and long-term health.

But ACEs are not destiny. With the right support, kids can heal, thrive, and rewrite their story.

What ACEs Can Look Like in Daily Life

Children with high ACE scores may:

• Have trouble trusting adults
• React strongly to criticism or correction
• Struggle to focus or follow directions
• Seem overly independent—or overly dependent
• Lash out, withdraw, or test limits again and again

These behaviors aren’t personal attacks. They’re survival strategies built over time. As a houseparent, you offer something they may have never had before: consistent, compassionate care from a safe adult.

Why This Matters for Houseparents

When you understand ACEs, you stop asking, What’s wrong with this child? and start asking, What happened to them—and how can I help?

That shift is powerful. It builds empathy. It helps you stay calm when things get hard. And it reminds you that behavior is communication, not defiance.

A Gentle Reminder: You Might Have ACEs, Too

Many houseparents choose this work because they want to give kids the kind of love and stability they wish they had growing up. If you’ve experienced trauma or adversity yourself, it’s important to reflect on how that affects your caregiving.

Do certain behaviors trigger you more than others? Are there moments when you feel overwhelmed, disconnected, or overly responsible? That’s normal. And it’s not a weakness—it’s a sign to slow down and care for yourself, too.

Support systems, therapy, journaling, faith, or peer conversations can all help you process your own story as you help kids rewrite theirs.

You Don’t Have to Be Perfect—Just Present

Understanding ACEs isn’t about diagnosing or labeling kids. It’s about seeing them more clearly. And when kids feel seen, they start to feel safe. And when they feel safe, they begin to grow.

Your steady presence matters more than you know.

‍